Drinking Diet Soda: About As Useful as the Taco Bell Fresco Diet

A friend of mine once told me that his friend’s mother was Andy Reid’s nutritionist. Since Andy Reid obviously could care less about nutrition - unless nutrition was spelled “Double Philly Cheese Steak With” (that’s with wiz to you non-Philadelphian’s) – I immediately questioned the validity of his statement. What I didn’t question, however, was the follow-up to that statement: Andy Reid drinks a case of diet soda everyday. Whether it was Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke, or whether it was true at all, the simple fact remains that he is a pretty large man. That eats a ton of cheese-steaks. With the absence of any third variable, then, one is forced to accept the fact that drinking diet soda makes you Andy Reid.

What I don’t understand, personally, is why people drink diet soda at all. In my world, it is either regular soda, or no soda at all. Drinking diet soda is basically like drinking non-alcoholic beer; or eating turkey-bacon; or being a vegetarian; all the morning mud-butt but without the delicious taste. If you are going to go so far as to punish your taste-buds with the urine that is diet beverages, you might as well also go to Taco Bell and order from the “Fresco Menu” in order to lose that weight you have been trying to shed for the past few months. This brings me to my next point.

Ordering from the “Fresco Menu” at Taco Bell in order to lose that weight you have been trying to shed for the past few months makes you a fucking moron. If you want to lose weight you run, workout, drink water and eat healthy. Grade D meat does not constitute healthy, it constitutes an animal that was roughly 8 years old when it was killed (or died, knowing the economy these days). If you are using my previous method of logic (Drinking diet soda makes you the head football coach of the Philadelphia Eagles), then, it is safe to assume dog-years and cow-years are equal. That would make the meat you eat from Taco Bell 56 year old flesh. Therefore, not only is eating from the Taco Bell “Fresco Menu” absolutely not “fresco” at all, it would be akin to eating your parents if you are a 25 year old person, on average. You know who also ate their own species flesh? The Carib Tribe of the Lesser Antilles Islands. (Cue non-peer-reviewed, reliable website link: this shits crazy )

Using this flawless logic, then, we here at The Classy Gentlemen have discovered two distinct, axiomatic truths:

1. If you drink diet soda, you are Andy Reid; Head Coach of the NFL’s Philadelphia Eagles, proud father of two heroin addicts in and out of prison, and overweight husband.

2. If you eat from Taco Bell’s “Fresco Menu” to lose weight you are not only a cannibal who takes pleasure in eating your own species; you are most likely fat, and stupid.

-E