Why College Is Not Like The Real World: Part 1 of a Series

Throughout our young life – whether it is the year or two approaching post-secondary education or the years we are in it – we are constantly reminded by our parents that we better “enjoy it while we can.” College, for them, was “the best years of their life,” and nothing you can see on their anguished faces when they return from a day at work gives an impression otherwise. While we are often told that the real world is quite different than the faux-world college apparently is, true comparisons have hardly been made. We are going to remedy this.

Reason #234
In college, you fuck mad chicks. In the real world, you get mad fucked.

The days of bonging vladi and placing your penis in whatever warm hole you can find never seemed farther out of reach than the first time you found yourself searching for a job. We had been preached to that the only way to secure a good-paying job is to get a degree, but no one could have seen the figurative tea-bagging the economy was going to take upon our graduation. Many people were left living in their parent’s basement, playing World of Warcraft being the closest thing to a paying job they could obtain. The problem with this, however, is that you actually pay to play World of Warcraft, and unfortunately, being a level 76 gnome mage with an apprenticeship in herbalism has no bearing on the real world. Your high-paying position in the land of Azeroth, consequently, only makes you one thing in the real world. Gay.

Reason #235
In college, you can slaughter a pig in your fraternity house and the only repercussion is probation by the Inter-Fraternity Council. In the real world, actions actually have consequences.

Running down the street butt-ass naked, ball-sack flapping in the wind, was a revered act back in the days of college. Apparently, there is something against someone doing that down York Road in Hatboro. I don’t know where everyone got such a stick up their asses, but before the invention of clothes, people did this all the time. Grow the fuck up.

Reason #236
In college, luring young girls back to your room after a night of drinking was the norm. In the real world, you get charged with Section 6310.7 and Section 3122.1 of the Pennsylvania State Penal code.

That’s furnishing nonalcoholic beverages to persons under 21 and statutory sexual assault to you laymen. Back in the heyday of college, it was considered normal and encouraged to lurk around during freshmen orientation, waiting for a group of girls trying to prove themselves to the “in-crowd.” By in-crowd, I mean a group of dudes willing to part with half a handle of Banker’s Club. Then, once you made them leave through your window the next morning, you never had to talk to them again. Now, it’s considered inappropriate to wait outside your local elementary school in your car with a puppy and some candy. Once again, a perfect example of people just being too high-strung.

There are plenty more a comparison to be made, however, that is all the time I have available for today. Check back for further updates. As for me, I’m off to suck the real world’s D.

-E