Throughout one’s life, there are only a few phases where it is deemed acceptable to pack your own lunch. The first and most obvious is the education phase – which includes all forms of education leading up to college. I don’t know what the hell happens in vo-tech, so we will leave that out – and if you are packing a lunch in college, well, fuck you. The second phase is not really a phase as much as it is a list of small exemptions where it can be overlooked that one is packing their own lunch. This includes anything from a day-trip to the beach to a night camping out in Mother Nature. The third and final phase is the “real world,” which everyday seems to me more and more like a reversion to infancy. By the “real world,” I mean jobs paying under 30k a year (FML) where it is either pack a lunch or spank it to porn every night because you sure as hell aren’t going to be able to take a girl out if you are blasting 10 dollars a day away on lunch everyday. Since I have suddenly found myself needing to supply my own materials for mid-day consumption, I thought it only appropriate to bring “brown bagging it” to the 21st century.
Back in elementary school, your brown-bag options were limited because it was usually your mother packing it for you. Life is not so different now, except instead of my mother limiting my indulgences it is my measly, nearly-below-federal-poverty-guidelines salary. Regardless, one’s lunch in the real world should totally pwn the lunch you used to receive in Round Meadow Elementary. To prepare the proper meal, you must have the proper components.
1. The Drink
The most important ingredients to an epic brown-bag lunch is the drink. You need something that will not only quench your thirst, but something that will give you a flubber (copyright Robin Williams) in your pants while you down its goodness. This leaves only one option. If you don’t know what I am referring to, you probably should knife yourself, but I will tell you anyway. The only drink acceptable in a real world brown-bagged lunch (lets face it, the only drink acceptable in ANY home-made lunch) is the sweet ambrosia that is Hi-C’s Ecto-Cooler. Nothing brings back pre-pubescent memories like the pedophiliac grin of a green, amorphous blob. Since you’re a fucking grown up, you should bag two.
2. The Main Meal
The main meal, the most calorie-packed element of the lunch, is third in importance. You might be thinking, “Ed, you fucking idiot, you skipped the second most important thing,” to which my response is, “Fuck you.” I know I skipped it. I’m going to get to it. Relax. The staple of any brown-bagged lunches’ main meal is the sandwhich. This can be anything from lebanon-baloney and mustard, to turkey and cheese to the classic peanut butter and jelly sandwhich. Whichever you decide on is up to you, however it should be noted that tuna fish is unacceptable. Unless you like smelling like a hooker’s vagina for the next 3 hours, save that shit for home.
3. The Snack Pack
Either you pack a snack pack, or you like dudes. Simple as that.
4. The Bartering Token
The second most important ingredient in the brown-bagged lunch is the bartering token. How many times have you looked over at Brian Morelli’s shit-eating grin as he shoves those elegant, chocolate and caramel covered Twix Bars down his fat throat , only to find yourself throwing a temper-tantrum in the grocery store the next day when your mom won’t buy them for you. I’ll tell you how many times it’s happened to me. Seven. In order to avoid paying way over face-value for that coveted prize in another’s bag and losing half your lunch (most likely the main meal and one of your ecto-cooler’s) you must always have a bartering token. This can be anything from an extra Snack Pack, a dollar for the vending machine or that nudey mag you swiped from under your dad’s mattress. If you don’t think Twix Bars are of equal value to a Brazzer’s Paperback Edition, you’re a faggot.
5. The Vegetable
The last component to a successful home-made lunch is a vegetable. Since you’re a grown-up, you don’t have to eat that shit anymore.
Lunch Complete.
-E
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