The Effects of Alcohol

As I lay in bed today for a quick 20 hours, taking intermittent breaks to crawl to the bathroom and puke up the blueberry pancakes I tried to scarf down in a Busch-league attempt to neutralize my hangover, I came to a realization. I am a pussy. Now, finally out of bed after my initial wake-up 14 hours ago, I have the McDonald’s Angus Bacon and Cheese fueled mental capacity to actually put together a coherent thought, not to mention the ability to move more than 3 feet from where I was laying. During my crippled, comatose and cadaverous experience in my bed, however, something came to me. This is the result of that revelation. Without further ado, I present to you:

The Effects of Alcohol Over-Indulgence on Your Friends and Yourself

Everyone reacts differently to different things in life - whether it is stress, drugs, an unfortunate morning wake-up to a person double your weight – and alcohol is no different. After four years of liver-failing collegiate inebriation, I have witnessed the effects of alcohol on people from every walk of life. Through rigorous double-blind studies and tests, I have discovered that even if you take 3 people with the exact same tolerance for alcohol, at the end of the night they will all fall into different hooch-induced categories of crapulence. In this segment, I will attempt to discuss a few of these different divisions. Remember, this list is not exhaustive, but will touch briefly on some of the more well-known members of friend circles.

1. The Night-Puker

The Night-Puker is hard to peg as far as whether or not they are a “good drinker.” Capable of dominating drink after drink like a freshmen sorority girl, one would be hard-pressed to label them as a one beer-queer – if it weren’t for the fact that somewhere during the course of the night they will inevitably be found pulling the trigger behind the bushes of the local pizza place. Not all Night-Pukers are so lucky, however. Occasionally hit by an inability to contain said vomit, the NP has the capability to unleash the technicolor yawn without a moments notice – and often on the bar-top, on the street, or on a passerby.

2. The Hangover Queen

A description I unfortunately have heard quite a few times regarding myself, the Hangover Queen is one whose day-after fag-fest far outweighs whatever epic events occurred the night before. Usually seen writhing in agony on a couch the day after for up to 24 hours and, the HQ’s capabilities include up to an inch shift in either direction and the ability to ask if you can “please get me some food dude, I’m dying.” Regardless of whether or not you get him or her food, whatever may or may not be in his stomach will be expelled into a trashcan within the next 4 minutes.

3. The Bed-Wetter

Notorious for their elegantly-stained khaki pants or cargo shorts, the Bed-Wetter can never make it till dawn without emptying the contents of their bladder. Surprisingly calm for having slept 10 hours in their own urine, the BW usually will be the first to make fun of themselves for their reversion to their days as a 7 year old. Only a problem when they pass out next to someone else, on the couch or on a bed, the situation is minimal compared to those who pass deuces in their sleep.

4. The Rolling Blackout

Somehow always completely blacked out at any event involving alcohol, the RB is nothing if not a liability. Known for their glazed-over eyes and incapacity to walk a straight line, the Rolling Blackout gets their name for their talent to have a single beer and be completely blacked out, yet almost fully functional. While others are face down in the dirt, the toilet or an overweight member of the opposite sex, the RB will continue to drink and pick fights with people twice their size, inevitably resulting in your ass getting beat. Its okay that your RB friend didn’t get punched and you are missing two teeth – you’re friends – and you can laugh about it now.

5. The Pre-Game Savant

One of the last ones I will touch on – the Pre-Game Savant is the opposite of the Rolling Blackout. While the RB continues to operate and enjoy the night in the shell of his body although he has already mentally checked out, the PGS has called it a night before you ever even got out to the bar. Recognized for their excitement for this night for the past few weeks, the PGS never makes it past the pre-game. While everyone else is wrapping it all up and getting ready to head out, the PGS will be unconscious on the couch, unfazed by the Bose speaker system pumping bass out at volumes that make human ears bleed.


-E