Types of People I Don’t Like

After 22 years of life, I have finally come to the conclusion that there are some people that I just simply do not like. Whether it is because of something they have done to me, something they are known to do or just because I don’t fucking like them, there are more than a few of these types of people. Below I will go over a few of my (least) favorites.

1. Those you just look at and automatically hate

Have you ever just walked into a party, a building or a 1st grade classroom, looked at someone and felt nothing but an irresistible urge to punch them in the face? There is no rhyme or reason for it, but it has affected all of us at one time or another. Whether it is the douche bag with the 4-layered polos and 3-popped collars, the girl screaming “THIS IS MY SONGGGGGG” and flailing her arms about in an attempt at dancing/getting fucked by a whole fraternity, or just some dude who seems to have a real shit-eating grin on his face every time you look his way, nothing would make you happier than to see them curb-stomped in front of 40,000 students at the student center.

Disclaimer: We here at the Classy Gentlemen do not condone violence towards women by males. That is why you always make sure you have a very overweight, scrappy fighter of a female friend that you can have do your bidding. It’s okay to put a contract out for a beat-down on that wench of an ex-girlfriend who cheated on you; you just cannot raise your fist yourself.

2. Those who says “I wish you had told me sooner, I could have helped you out”

The story is always the same. You ordered a book on Amazon.com for your Comm 403 class, set arrive a mere day before your final exam. Lo and behold, you didn’t realize that “standard delivery” would take longer than it took New Orleans to recover from Hurricane Katrina (going on 5 years). So there you are, an hour before your exam, frantically contacting all of your friends to see if anyone has a copy of the book. No dice, grandma. You go into your final, check C for every answer and walk back home feeling fully sodomized with no hope at redemption. After you arrive home you enter the kitchen and begin to cook some dinner when Pete walks in and you two start talking. “Dude, if you had told me sooner, I could have helped you. I use that book as my bong-stand.” Fuck you, Pete.

3. Those whose parents did all their projects and homework throughout elementary school

This is another type of person who is a pure plague to elementary school classrooms everywhere. You all know who he/she is – your teacher assigns a project or competition, and whoever has the best one will have their piece featured at the upcoming art show. When the deadline rolls around, you bring in your sad-excuse for a project that you scrapped together piece by piece whenever you took a break from eating paste. Your spirits are high and no one can bring you down. Enter Andrew Kirchek. Toting a canvas mural about 20 feet wide, he unveils a painting done in the style of Donald Friend depicting one of the battles in the Pacific Theatre in World War 2. You fucking know you didn’t paint that shit, Andrew, and it’s bullshit that you allow this to count Ms. Lomas because you know damn well he didn’t paint it either. No matter, Andrew gets a 110 out of 100 (despite there being no extra credit, his was “just extraordinary) and takes the spot in the art show.

4. Those who whine about anything and everything

These people are the absolute worst. Every hangnail, death of a grandmother, or rainy day is a direct personal tragedy that makes whining and crying about it apparently acceptable. Well the truth is, it isn’t acceptable, and quite frankly, we all have enough shit to deal with ourselves to warrant not wanting to listen to your story about how the “world is out to get you” because you burnt the top of your mouth on your DiGiorno oven-pizza. It’s your own damn fault you didn’t “let cool for 15 minutes” like the box said, and newsflash, no one likes you. Cunt.

5. Those who chew with their mouth open

Honestly, you would think with somewhere along the way to adulthood these people would learn that this is straight unacceptable. I guess in a world where it’s totally cool to have 8 kids and depend on the taxes taken from my paycheck to pay for your welfare, it isn’t surprising in the least, however. As if it wasn’t bad enough to hear your fat lips smack together every time you close them from taking one of those disgusting, heavy, eating-induced breaths, I also now have to worry about mouth-shrapnel making its way into my own dish. It’s a shame some people don’t take advantage of abortion while it’s legal. Learn some fucking manners.

-E

Shoutout to Brett for some help with the ideas.